February 15, 2016 by Heather Schaan

How To Destroy Your Business In Three Easy Steps

How To Destroy Your Business In Three Easy Steps

Running a business into the ground isn’t hard, but it does take a lack of planning

So, you want to destroy your business. Might not be the most laudable goal, but, okay, we’re not judging. Instead of running off to Vegas and gambling away all the company’s money (which is a big no-no in case you didn’t know), here are some easy—and legal—ways to start sending your business into a tailspin.

Rather than you Goolging the answer, we have the three simple steps to start sending your business down the drain (And you thought all we were good for were Star Wars references and boxing match commentating!). So without further ado, here is your step-by-step guide to destroying your business in three easy steps.

Step 1: Don’t use the Cloud for backup, apps, or new infrastructure.

This one may seem like a no-brainer, but it has to be said nonetheless: when attempting to destroy your business, do not under any circumstances begin using technology that increases productivity, adds the convenience of mobility, or boosts agility.

Look for ways to make life harder on your employees and customers alike. Require every single transaction to be documented by hand on carbon paper forms in triplicate, install a mimeograph machine to make copies of anything that can’t be handwritten, and trade out your team’s computers for typewriters. The kind without the correction tape. If productivity doesn’t plummet right away, you’ll have plenty of space in your office since people will be quitting in droves.

Step 2: Don’t do anything to prepare for potential disasters.

A disaster in any shape or form is a business-destroying CEO’s best friend! So why would you want to do anything to prepare to weather the storm? Floods, earthquakes, viruses, hackers - bring ’em on, baby! Without a data backup system or a disaster recovery plan in place, your business is sure to fall to pieces in days.

So whatever you do, do not back up your data – especially not in the cloud, as that would give your team access no matter what had happened. And do NOT sign up for a Disaster Recovery as a Service (DRaaS) plan with a company like Microserve, since that would ensure that you were up and running again in no time flat.

If you’d like to accelerate things, have a Mentos-Diet Coke party in the server room.

Step 3: Let the least qualified person in your office hire your CIO and IT team.

Isn’t hiring a delightfully tricky process? Let the wrong person make the decision and, whoops, there goes a whole department down the drain. And what better department to send spiraling towards destruction than your IT team? They can take your whole company down with them.

That’s why you should never let an IT recruiting company like Microserve help you in the hiring process—they’d find the people for your company and ensure your success for years to come! Shudder. And don’t touch Managed Services or vCIOs with a ten-foot pole, either—having a huge team of experienced IT experts on call 24/7? Ae you kidding me? You’re just asking for your business to thrive.

So remember, in order to destroy your business you’ve got to hit three areas hard: people, process, and preparation. Take out those three pillars of your business, and you’re just about guaranteed to be able to close your doors ASAP. Whatever you do, do NOT make the mistake of calling Microserve for help. They would get your business set up with the latest in cloud services, the most comprehensive disaster recovery plans, and the very best in IT staff, and that’s the last thing you want, right? Good luck in your endeavor—may your company’s demise be swift!

Demolition photo by Rhys A from Flickr.

View All Posts